So last weekend, I was feeling needy for some online sexytimes and (as often happens) suitable partners were not obliging in terms of either not being online or already busy with someone else. New suitable partners whose kinks and style were compatible with mine did not materialise.
This time, however, I was not going to log off in dissatisfaction. Instead, I decided I would pay for someone to entertain me sexually. I had a decent chunk of credits on Adultwork and worked out I could probably get a decent half-hour of webcam performance, if I chose my provider wisely; and that this would be good enough to give me lots of lovely visual memories to play with.
So that’s what I decided to do. I don’t want this to be a piece reviewing the performance like a field report or whatever; I’m more egotistical than that! I want to write about what was a new experience for me in many ways, and the sorts of things I felt and thought about. Shut up, this is my blog, i can do what I want!
WordPress rules say I can’t advertise adult services here but phooey to them: I’ll just not post the links. The performer I chose had a name with the elements Kinky, Milf, and UK in it (and underscores to link them!) – (fyi my “Offering Services” name there is like my current name except there’s no “ery” and the last letter is “e” instead of “h” *whistles innocently*)
I chose “K_M_UK” because I was looking for BDSM kinks to be a part of the performance, and her profile promised several of the things I like especially. I visited several cammers’ “free preview” chats (I wasn’t willing to buy from those who didn’t offer free previews, and you’ll see why in a minute). The purpose was to see what sort of conversationalist I was going to get (so, no free preview means I can’t tell if we’re on the same wavelength, so I don’t know if I’m getting what I want on that level). For me, at least, the talk is a big part of the sales pitch and then the scene as well.
I should probably be less shy: she was responding and chatting away with other free viewers and I didn’t like to interrupt! In the end, I said as much and of course she gave me permission to give her my money… so I clicked “Private Show with this performer” and my credits started trickling from my account to hers.
Paying someone does give me confidence to ask for what I want. (Playing for free with them online by text chat also gives me confidence, but I gain more confidence from reminding myself that I use Adultwork to charge for text-only sex chat and if my partner isn’t pleasing me in a free chat then I can just say “give me money or go away” if they want my time and erotic words.) The session included her using double-penetration toys, breast bondage, and deep throating a dildo (she asked for extra payment, which I was happy to pay).
I have a curious mental state regarding the feedback I got during the play. Part of my mind goes, “This is all a show, she’s a professional and it’s her job to make me feel like it’s special” – the other part is willing to believe that it’s genuine and to let her get on with that job and basically tells the first part of my brain to shut up and not interfere with her doing her job. Naturally, I go with the second part (because that’s hotter) but I do so without feeling under any illusions. So when she told me that she “didn’t get to play this hard very often – thank you!” – I could question every element of that statement, or believe that the surface meaning is true also, even if it is also part of the performance and has other things beneath.
(I’m not sure what to make of the fact that after I closed the private session, I popped back into her free preview a little while later to say another thank you, and she was describing the session she’d just had with me. She sounded like she did like it, but…)
As much as this was a financial transaction, I still felt grateful for the performance. I felt a duty to offer thanks and appreciation for each act she performed for me. As much as I liked the idea she was enjoying all these sexual things she was doing, I knew that it was for my pleasure and my benefit, so naturally, thanks are in order.
I ended the private session when I felt I was running low on credits – I lied and told her that I had orgasmed as well as that my credits were running out. Why did I lie about it? Well, because I did feel close, but having to type as well as wank was making it difficult and because I felt like just leaving would have been rude (especially as she was offering to make herself come for me!) She told me she would take a moment to finish afterwards (again, how much was that performance and how much real? I don’t know and don’t need to). So, I gave an excuse as well as the truth.
My overall feelings afterward were basically *fapfapfap* as I focussed on memories of various images from the session. Okay, that was kind of the point, after all.
My overall feelings once I’d dealt with that, then.
As I said, I felt grateful (I popped back in to say thank you, after all). I felt the same way as I do after hiring any professional – dentist, workman, restaurant staff, etc. (Professional here is basically anyone who knows what they’re doing and how, and odes it to a high standard, for money.) It’s a combination of time and money well spent, of something worthwhile having been gained, respect for their abilities and gratitude for all of these.
(This is what I don’t get about those who have a problem with adult entertainment and sexwork. I wonder if they ever feel that sense of gratitude towards anyone they employ, or if their lives are based on a sense of entitlement that means they don’t see the value of the work they pay for? Or does the fact that it’s a skill at sex and causing arousal puzzle them?)
There isn’t a lot more that I can think of to say. I somehow thought it would feel more transgressive to do this but ultimately, I’m not that shocked by anything to do with the internet or sex. It was just a transaction between two adults. Maybe I’ll feel more like a transitional moment when I hire a sex worker (something I hope to do this summer) but for now, it all just seems very much normal.
And I’m sure any sex worker appointment will feel equally person-to-person, adult -to-adult.