Reflections of D/s and my mind

I’ve got to one of the key sex scenes in my novel. The slave in the central Master/slave relationship is having her first session (a) with another woman and (b) topping (although this is under the guidance of her Master).

I’ve never had lesbian sex, for the obvious reason that I am not female-identified (well, not most of the time, anyway). I certainly haven’t experienced sex using a vagina**, because I don’t have one (I use a penis or two hands or a mouth and/or tongue; if I’m receiving then I can also use an arsehole). I’ve read lots of descriptions, of varying degrees on the fantasy/reality spectrum, but so much for “write what you know”. This being a BDSM sex scene, I haven’t yet got to any genital touching or stimulation but the characters are having lots of hot activities of other kinds.

I have often wondered how to describe what it feels like to be a top in a scene (or at least, how I feel when I am topping in a scene). I have found it difficult in the past to pin down and put into a form where I can express it to others. Given that I have already written BDSM sex scenes between the central couple, this is obviously tricky. I’m happy with what I’ve got so far, of course, but at the same time it hadn’t yet felt like I got the reader inside the experience completely.

However, with writing the slave’s topping experience with a fellow Submissive, this seems to have changed. I noticed when I drew up my character personality profiles that the slave character was the most similar to my personality (she’s more extraverted, so I don’t always get her gregariousness, but otherwise close enough). Now that she’s topping for the first time, I am really feeling as though my words are bringing out what it is like to be there. It’s her first time topping, so in writing about it I cast my mind back to my first couple of scenes; I keyed into the state of mind that I imagined that she would feel in trying not just the top role, but sex with another woman as well. I tried to see in my mind’s eye the scene from her perspective and paying attention to the moment.

While the anxiety and newness is not quite the same when you’ve topped for several partners, that alertness and wonder is still present every time. More to the point, for me anyway, each scene always starts with that slight hesitancy that came out strongly in my writing today. However many times I do this, even with the same person, there is always to begin with a period of figuratively (and to some extent literally) feeling out the other person, and how you’re going to fit together today socially, and personal interaction.

Advice-givers in BDSM talk a lot about the physiological and neurochemical reasons why it’s best to start off slowly with something light like a spanking and then build up the scene and pain levels. Until today it had never occurred to me that it is also such a valuable part to me as a top, as part of the connection and the spiritual or psychological experience. To some extent, this is just because it is almost invisible to me, as a top and as the person experiencing it: it happens so naturally that I am normally unaware of it (which may be why I also find it tricky to think about “Dom space”).

In future, I intend to just let it happen as it always has, not try to pin it down or analyse it in the moment. The fascinating thing was not so much the discovery, as how it came about: taking myself back to those early days, and into the mind of a Submissive trying a top role for a change. I’m not sure what this says about my approach or style of Dominance/topping, but I think I’m happy with it.

** Because a trans man with a cis woman isn’t “lesbian sex”, any more than a trans woman with a cis man is “gay sex” (and I know people who have encountered that prejudice/misconception with sexual partners and complained about it to me). And not all trans folks seek vaginoplasty/phalloplasty surgery, ergo it is possible to have any combination of genitalia in any of lesbian, gay or straight sex. So, it makes sense to specify that the type of sex I have not had that is relevant here, is that of two vagina-possessing people together; I have also not had sex where the two people identified as women (although if I were crossdressed and in persona with my female side, then it could be argued as possible).


About ValeryNorth

I overthink everything.
This entry was posted in Kink, Sex, Writing about writing and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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