So far, I have talked about psychological personality tests, other people’s views of me, my own introspection, where I have difficulties and what I’m hoping to find. There is, however, one more resource I want to examine in building up an idea of what I’ve got to work with.
I am absolutely a non-believer when it comes to astrology. It is all a load of bunk and hokum and nonsense. I read my stars in the paper purely for comedy effect (like how I watch Top Gear). Yes, I do have a wonderfully-drawn copy of my Birth Chart on display in my room, because a good sceptic always allows that they might be wrong to disbelieve, and because the woman who sold it to me was very sweet and read my tarot for me when I was starting at university so I bought a birth chart from her too (yes, I do feel that there could be something to the Tarot, and read the cards from time to time; although I like to think of them as a counselling aid more than a divination device). But astrology is absolutely not anything I follow.
It is somewhat frustrating, then, that the outline for my Sun Sign (I am born under Cancer) turns out to be startlingly accurate, and not in the “cold reading” way either. When a friend of mine interpreted some of the birth chart for me, that, too, seemed spookily accurate for something that is complete hogwash.
Maintaining the opinion I have of astrology is not a good reason to refuse to listen. Since I am a typical Cancerian (and would be regardless of when I was born in the year), listening to advice intended for Cancerians may yet prove to be valuable. The personality type is the same, regardless of the relevance of the date of birth, so the advice could be valid for the same reason.
When you put into Google a star sign and ask for advice on what a person of that star sign should do when dating, you do not get good results back if you are a sceptic on the astrology front. The assumption is that you (a) are a Believer and (b) know the star sign of the person you’re dating. All advice is predicated on what to do to attract that star sign to yours (or else to back off entirely, because it’s a Bad Mix of personalities). I want to know what to do to socialise and attract a non-specific person (although someone compatible with me personality-wise). And I don’t care about hir star sign because I’m not a believer. I want to know how to rock my personality in the dating scene.
Okay, so that didn’t work. What about looking at what advice is given for someone to attract my personality type? Can useful information be gathered for how I can put myself out there? Does the information match what I’ve found from my introspection and figuring out what I’m looking for?
Well, one word that comes up again and again on “how to attract a Cancerian” is… SECURITY.
Now, if you didn’t already, click that link “figuring out what I’m looking for”.
Done that? What was the post title? That’s right: “Relationship desires: security (and some other stuff)” Hmm. Coincidence? Well, a lot of the language used in that post also appears in descriptions of “how to attract a Cancerian”. For example:
A Cancerian needs a partner who can be strong and supportive, and be patient with them when they feel overwhelmed. It’s important to make them feel safe and let them know they can always count you. Once you’ve won their heart, you’ll always be able to count on them.
Not a million miles away from how I described “Lets me be anchored”.
Compare this post (especially the quoted passage from my “subspace” post) with the following passage (from the same source as the above):
They’ll usually suspect when someone is lying, mistrustful or has malicious intentions. At the same time, their caring nature makes them want to give people the benefit of the doubt. They’ll be willing to take emotional gambles on people, hoping they can help bring out the best in the person. These gambles don’t always pay off.
I think it’s fair to say that describing a Cancerian is a good place to start when thinking about how to attract and date Yours Truly. Several of the pages I found also gave the advice “if you want to attract a Cancer man, you’ll have to make the first move, because he won’t.” I’ve lost count of the times I’ve complained about people telling women that if a man doesn’t make the first move, he’s not interested. Precisely because, like a typical Cancerian, I find it very hard to do that.
This is all very well, but doesn’t actually get me any closer to solving my problems (like, “since men are expected to make the first move – how do I do that, please?!”) It seems more intent on restating them in a hokum handwave-y mystical woo-woo way that gives far less basis to work from to find ways around the issues. Sure, it’s nice to have something to point to and say “check this out, it’s a map of the route to my heart!” but you kind of have to get the person to want a map in the first place.
There is some advice that is not accurate for attracting Cancerians, when applied to me. First up, the boob thing. Cancerians are supposed to be creatures of the chest, nurturing, and motherliness. This means that supposedly, a male Cancerian’s erogenous zone is his chest and nipples, and paying attention to touching him there will supposedly be the quickest way to turn him on (nope, although I confess that having someone suck on my nipples is fun). It also means that supposedly he is the “archetypal boobs man” (I lost count of how many times I saw that phrase!) Now, don’t get me wrong, if you want to get your tits out for me, I won’t exactly be offended or put off, and feel free to do so. I might even get my moobs out for you, too! It’s just that the bosom has never been a particular focus of my desire: I tend to be more drawn to the arse, as it happens.
The other big pitfall in what they suggest is that you can tell how a Cancerian will treat you by the relationship he has with his mum. Now, I have a pretty good relationship with both my parents, but I’m sure we are not a typical family in many ways. Unless you actually know my mother and me and get to see us over a long period of time and understand how we interact, you’ll never understand what it means to say that there might be some grain of truth in that. To all intents and purposes, it’s wrong (or at least, useless to someone wanting to date me). It’s much better to take note of the advice that I have a tendency to be something of a motherly figure (for example, this version [pretty useful, but shame about the gender-essentialism and sexist remarks such as “women are moody” on there] offers, “If you’re looking for a guy who isn’t scared to marry, have children and be a soccer dad, Cancer is your guy!” – where usually the term is “soccer mom”, and AIUI this is a USA-ism closely related to stay-at-home-mother in intent). Oh yeah, and I often talk about “nurturing” as part of my Domly role preference…
However, the best advice I have found describing a Cancerian lover (and relating the advice to me) is probably from this site, as long as you take it down a notch or two (I assume it was written with a certain amount of comedic exaggeration, but still, it’s fairly close!)
Yep, that’s right. It’s talking about a LESBIAN Cancerian. But seriously, the following (extensive) excerpts just hit the nail on the head more than any other version I saw:
She blushes at the mere thought of someone openly flirting with her. Secretly, though, she loves the attention.
Seduction of a Cancer lesbian is an intricate interview process. You will have to withstand hundreds of coffee dates, months of holding hands, and hours of late-night conversations. She will tell you about her developing feelings, about her changing sexuality, about all her exes.
Cancers never forget their exes. Their shadows accumulate with years, and every new potential girlfriend needs to measure up to all of their good qualities. The bad qualities Cancer is still trying hard to understand.
A Cancer needs an outgoing, open girlfriend who will push her outside of her shell. Two Cancers in a relationship would never have sex. “You start.” “No, you start”.
Cancers don’t do casual dating. Every day you are with her, you’re one step closer to marriage. A long-term companionship is the secret dream of every Cancer. If you don’t see babies with a Cancer in your future, you may need to break up with her.
So, not much progress on my journey but hey, at least now you know what to expect.