Who wouldn’t want to be a penetration analyst?

Thursday quickie today.

In between writing/re-drafting/editing my novel, I am also looking for a day job that might have a higher probability of paying the bills (for all writing has an extremely low probability of providing a living wage, it’s been so long now that I’m starting to think it is still a better shot than “regular” employment, but whatever).

This means looking at job adverts. Some job titles amuse me for various reasons.

Some are the obvious “what is it negating?” type job titles. My favourite in this category is “Legal secretary”, because that implies that all the other secretaries are illegal. Any job title beginning “civil” is good – “I don’t want to be a civil (whatever it is), I want to be an extremely rude one!”

“General Assistant” obviously allows for substituting any other army rank, or a rank from a different force – thus “Brigadier Assistant” (because Doctor Who fan, so naturally…) or “Commodore Assistant”, for example.

The best is when a job title conjures to mind an image that is usually totally different from that intended by the employer.

From today’s job searches, two in particular I wanted to share:

“Penetration Analyst”

Well, I don’t know about you, but I thought that sounded like a lot of fun. Probably intended for a female employee, but of course it depends on what type of penetration they want analysed – or analysed, geddit? And when shelf stackers can be “ambient replenishment specialists” or whatever, why shouldn’t sex toy testers be called penetration analysts?

Of course, it wasn’t about that at all. If I got the gist of the ad correctly, it was about data security and preventing hackers gaining access to computer systems

“Permanent Despatch Assistant”

“Sir, I can report that the secret agent has been permanently despatched. I had my assistant do it.”

“Excellent. Mwahahahaha! Nothing can stop us now!”

It’s not so much the idea that they would advertise for an assassin in the jobcentre, as that the assassin would have an assistant to do the boring everyday bits, like a knight with his squire or something. I imagine a career ladder: “permanent despatch assistant”, “permanent despatch officer”, “permanent despatch assistant manager”, “permanent despatch manager”. Do you think they have Key Performance Indicators, on-target earnings (well, actually, that could have a double meaning in this context, so probably!), and whatever the equivalent of a “mystery shopper” would be? “Full training and uniform provided.”

This sounds like a set-up for a novel, although avoiding what’s been done before and making it fresh and interesting might be tricky.

Of course, it was really about sending delivery trucks being sent to various locations.


About ValeryNorth

I overthink everything.
This entry was posted in Economics, Sex, Writing about writing and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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