I don’t really know that this has anything to do with ageing, but I do sort of feel like I’m getting older and my body doesn’t work the way it used to, and some of what this post is about seems to be to do with that, or at least, it’s easy for me to imagine it is.
But the first disappointment is that I have not been keeping up with my intended posting schedule here and figure I owe you guys at least 3 posts this week if I’m to retain any kind of hope of getting back into the swing of things. I hope to add a political and another BDSM/sex type of post before the weekend is over, so stay tuned, folks!
The ways in which my body has disappointed me, then.
Since the beginning of the year there’s been a cock-up with the DWP about paying my JSA. I got down to my last fifteen quid when finally the situation got cleared up, and a massive load of money all got paid at once. Because of being frugal for the past 6 months (when I feared I was going to be sanctioned for screwing up on a MWA placement), this meant I had a bit of spare cash at last. I put some into a savings account, kept some as my two-weekly income, but that left plenty with which to treat myself. One of the ways I decided to do so was to buy some sex toys.
I chose to visit a fetish shop in Cambridge, where I settled on some nipple clamps. Online, I ordered from Girl on the Net’s sponsors, sextoys.co.uk, a cock gag and an anal toy with a suction pad base and a tapered, knobbly design.
My first experiments with nipple pinching were with clothes pegs and about 15 years ago. It hurt, but was fun. I was aware that I found clothes pegs more painful recently but still wanted these clamps to feel like a proper masochist. Instead, I feel like a total wuss compared to my earlier experiments. My nipples genuinely seem to be so much more sensitive than they were a decade ago and I have no idea why that should be. I feel like a failure as a masochist!
Okay, but I can at least get some proper practice at sucking cock, with my new gag, right? I’ve experimented taking various foodstuffs (like fat sausage rolls, and chocolate eclairs) and any long, cylindrical, and safe-seeming, objects in and out of my mouth as deeply as I can. I still have no idea if my blowjobs would feel good to a real person (just one reason why I’ve not offered that service on my AdultWork profile) but surely I’ll be able to enjoy this toy?
Turns out my experiments have not prepared me for the shape, size, and permanence of a cock gag. The gag is not as long as a penis, in fact, it really only models the glans and the base of the glans – about 3-4cm of insertable length. Nevertheless, my gag reflex sprang into action almost as soon as I tried it on. I felt betrayed and let down by my body! I want to learn to suck cock properly and this had seemed like such a good way to start, before I find a human partner to try on (as well as being a fun toy for when I have a partner to wear it for me). Instead, I felt like a failure.
Still, I know I love anal play. I used to have lots of fun with a massive buttplug, as recently as 5 years ago, and my torpedo-shaped vibe that slid in just beautifully (sadly, that was a bit cheap and I noticed the gold paint was starting to flake, which didn’t seem like a good idea to put it up my arse any more – or any other orifice for that matter – so it went in the waste). This was just a question of sticking it to the shower cubicle, lubing up, and sliding right in. Right?
Wrong. For one thing, my arse is so big that when I stuck it to the shower cubicle, my bum wouldn’t squidge small enough to get the toy inside me (and once I had it inside me, I couldn’t get it to stick to the cubicle). Secondly, even though I used loads of lube on the toy, and applied some with my fingers to my arsehole too, I really struggled to take the toy, even though it seemed smaller than the things I used to regularly enjoy. It hurt! I was dismayed and shocked to discover how out of practice my butt seems to be in taking a nice, stiff object. Once it was in, it felt as good as ever but I felt so let down but I couldn’t get it to move or massage my prostate as I was promised it would (I think I need a dedicated prostate massager so I know for sure what that feels like). It was still a pain in the arse in a literal sense as well.
Three new toys. Three ways in which my body no longer seems to perform the way I want it to, or remember it doing. Three ways in which I felt like a failure and a wuss.
I have of course not just left it there. I practice on the cock gag every night, building up the stamina, suppressing the gag reflex for longer periods, experimenting in what techniques help me do better (sucking, and breathing round the gag rather than through my nose, both help greatly – tips I picked up from reading women’s advice on blowjobs and deepthroating). I tease myself with the nipple clamps and see how much I can take – and work on finding ways to limit the pinch so I can bearably wear them for longer periods. I haven’t tried the anal toy again, but intend to, and maybe find something like that old torpedo toy (but in better quality!) to help my ring get more supple and used to the idea of stretching for things again.
But I still feel old and decrepit and let down by my body today.