Labour Leader Leaflets Lampooned!

The election has begun! I have my ballot papers for the Labour Leader, Deputy Leader, and National Policy Forum elections.

I’m sure I’ll have serious commentary to add later but I am feeling in a snarky, cynical, humorous mood. And, having also received little booklets in the post from three of the Labour leadership candidates, there will now follow some short paraphrasing and fun-poking at the said documents, in the order that they landed on the mat. I’m not going to focus on actual policies, but the stuff about their “vision” etc. (Kendall, apparently, doesn’t believe in the postal system.)

Yvette Cooper’s campaign booklet:

Pages 2-3: “My ancestors were the sort of person you’d respect, like northerners and shit, so I’m totes working class, me! Even though I went to Oxford University.”

Pages 4-5: “I created Sure Start, which means I’m practically the same as Nye Bevan and Barbara Castle rolled into one. Tories hate teachers and nurses but we can’t get mad, we have to get even!”

(Actual text: “We can’t sit it out for a generation. We know it isn’t enough to be angry at the world. We’re the Labour Party – we have to change the world.” I wonder if there could be a coded message in there about one of the other candidates?)

Page 6: “Tories hate our children, the BBC, and the NHS.”

Andy Burnham simply printed off his manifesto into a booklet. I already said my piece on that one, but here’s some added snark:

Page 2: “I’m the best thing since Clement Attlee created sliced bread and the NHS: Hugh Gaitskell, Harold Wilson, Jim Callaghan, Michael Foot, Neil Kinnock – who are they?”

Page 3: “I totes know what I’m talking about, cos I have a plan, see? No, even though I’m using all the same words as that other guy, *mine* is totes proper and his isn’t! Also, women, young people, trade unions! Did I mention I’m so awesome, I’m like Beveridge and sliced bread rolled into one?”

Page 6: “E-QUAL-IT-TEEEE! Amirite? Also, local powers for local people. And who’ll get the Lords out (who, who, who?)!”

Jeremy Corbyn’s Election Booklet:

This isn’t a booklet as such, but a folded over sheet. As such it has effectively a front and a back.

Front: “Yo, buddy! We need to, like, hang with everyone y’know? Some people got bummed out by our old ways, but if we just open up to them, and tell them how we feel, they’ll get back in the groooove, man!”

(Non-snark – his letter is addressed to “Dear friend”, and is clearly meant to be a rebuttal of the “Corbyn is unelectable” rhetoric from the others – and adopts some of their language)

Back panel 1: “We all think Jeremy’s totes amazeballs and sticks up for us! No to cuts! Yes to investment!”

Back panel 2: “Look! even SNP and UKIPers like his ideas for trains!”

(Actual text: “27% of SNP voters would be more likely to vote Labour if committed to publicly owned Scottish rail services. A November 2013 YouGov poll found 73% of UKIP voters backed publicly owned rail”)


About ValeryNorth

I overthink everything.
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