Yesterday was the first time I have had no-strings-attached BDSM sex that was agreed from the outset would be nothing else: no romantic element, no “ownership”, no “relationship”. We get along as friends, but as far as the sex goes it’s just that we both have sexual desires to involve another human body that are not currently satisfied in any other way and we have agreed to let each other use our bodies to amend that situation. I suppose the most appropriate term would be “fuckbuddies”, although I’m not sure how to amend that to make it clear that the operative part is BDSM rather than “sex” as such.
I met ’S’ on OKCupid a few weeks ago, had a drink at a pub to get to know each other, and made plans to meet up. Unfortunately, life threw a spanner in the works and things got chaotic as I lost my job, got a boil under the base of my penis (I know, overshare, but hey!) and the antibiotics knocked me for six, and generally suddenly had a huge amount of crap hit me all at once (that’s figurative crap, not literal, this time!)
So we put our plans on hold for a bit until everything calmed down a bit. Yesterday, we finally managed to find the time and space to meet up and I trundled off to her flat on the bus with a leather shoulder bag full of kinky and sexytimes equipment (which felt fun seeing everyone else on the bus who had no idea what I was carrying!)
The first time with a new BDSM partner is always tricky. With almost no data except their self-reported information, as the Dominant partner I have a lot to discover about what a partner’s reactions are like in the moment, what means “good” and what means “maybe not” and so on.
’S’ warned me beforehand that as soon as she gets a hint of her sub headspace, she tend to go nonverbal or at best monosyllabic. She told me early in our play that her biggest fear was that I would make her talk to me (of course, I tried, but she was not able to oblige very well). This made it a new level of difficulty higher, especially as she shivered and whimpered (very sexily as well) in ways that were not immediately obvious were pleasure or distress.
Nevertheless, with the information she’d given me beforehand and what communication we could manage, I did manage to give her a great hour or so of submission, bondage and emotions play (this was definitely about D/s play and bondage rather than SM because she has a very low pain threshold at the moment).
Unfortunately, despite being hugely turned on mentally, my body didn’t want to cooperate as far as getting a full erection (I’m not sure why, although various theories present themselves). ’S’ enjoyed what I could provide (including, in her own words, getting to “have a taste” when she went down on me) so I consider it a win even though neither of us achieved orgasm during the scene. (Incidentally, Jem @ Sometimes It’s Just A Cigar posted a great blog about Doms and orgasm denial, with sentiments very close to my own feelings about the skill of being able to do the opposite)
All of which is just preamble to the main event: ’S’ very kindly has given me permission to use her “debrief” email as the basis for this blog post, in which she described for me all the things I wanted to know during the scene but that she was too non-verbal to articulate in the moment. I found it incredibly hot to read it and relive the experience with the insight into her mind alongside. One point that was very important to me was that she wanted to feel scared. I knew this in a small way because she’d told me that was one of her big turn-ons but when she gave me “scared” as a one-word response to “how are you feeling?” I wondered if I was overstepping a mark, pushing the wrong buttons or otherwise making her feel unsafe, and if I should choose a new direction. As the following explains, she felt safe enough with me to let herself feel scared.
I’ll add my own observations or responses in between sections to try to convey what was going on for me at the various times. So, without further ado, I give you S’s experiences:
When we started play I was nervous, excited and a bit scared. (I always feel like that whether it’s the first time or 50th je ne sais pas). Once the ‘s’ switch is down I kind of don’t think much (as you probably noticed!) and focus in on the moment, I don’t know how to describe it very well. I’m also super passive, which I find embarrassing/frustrating at times (like this afternoon) because I knew you were expecting something, like for me to undress, but wasn’t sure enough to do it until you said. Maybe scared to do the wrong thing? Maybe I’ve played with too many pedants?! I thought it was kinda sweet you started me off.
The honest truth was that I didn’t know what to expect but ’S’ had told me before that she would get shy. I decided to “start her off” because it felt like a Domly thing to do, to show I was Taking Charge and In Control, if I just stepped up to her and took the hem of her top and started pulling it upwards. Normally, I would give the command but in that moment I felt sure ’S’ wanted that initiative from me. It established that we had shifted from preliminary conversation and now we were in D/s mode.
So once I’m naked I’m feeling pretty vulnerable and shy (don’t have a great body image); and am torn between wanting to cover up and trying not to (which I assume is more pleasing if you want me naked). Now at the point of being too shy/embarrassed to look you in the eye, which I also feel bad about because it seems wrong/displeasing.
This was something I had missed in the moment and I wish now that I had thought to say something appreciative about S’s body at the time. I was too busy actually enjoying the view!
I am intrigued by what she says about eye contact. D/s play often seems to have rules about eye contact and very often it is that the submissive partner is not supposed to keep their eyes down or focussed at a particular point (the classic novel Story of ‘O’ has eye contact rules established early on in Chateau d’Roissy, for example – here, the slaves were supposed to keep eye contact with the men’s cocks, IIRC). The other staple of BDSM porn and erotic fiction is for Doms to override or control the shy “avoidance” behaviour by physical control of the submissive’s head – the classic (and IMHO very hot) version is a hand on the chin to lift the gaze and meet eyes that way.
So this doubt is unexpected but I now know that I can play out those scenes for real in future with ’S’.
Once ’S’ was naked, and as a theme throughout the scene once I saw how responsive she was to such contact, one of the first things I did was to touch her breasts:
When you touched my nipples it was like lighting a fire, I went from a bit hot to, um, slip ‘n slide in a second. This made me more embarrassed because I don’t think it should be so easy. I was more at ease, and more aroused when you bound my arms. I know where my arms go now and they can’t go anywhere else. I was a touch sad/frustrated when you put the gag in as I knew you wanted me to be talking, and I wasn’t really doing it. I don’t know why it’s so hard, probably in this case because I hate to admit that I enjoy/am turned on by basically anything (because it’s embarrassing to be hot) and trying to find the words when my brain is in that place.
The gag is probably a point where I slightly mis-played it. In the moment, I joked that since she wasn’t talking, maybe I could take away that power. That might have been a mistake, a trick that worked well in online roleplays but wasn’t right for this moment. Then again, we’d discussed gags and ’S’ had said she really wanted to try the one in my collection, so I was anxious to introduce it somehow.
The embarrassment was definitely something I enjoyed playing on, although this was another point where I could have used more confidence that it was what she wanted as well and that it was okay to “power through” the apparent reluctance. ’S’ has reassured me that yes, this is what she wants.
I was also a bit annoyed/ashamed at myself for choking on the gag (I should be able to take more than that by now); but also excited/worried because you could tighten it and give me a hard time. Glad you didn’t. Now a bit more comfy not having to worry about talking; plus more aroused and getting a bit of the warm fuzzies that comes with being tied up. As for the blindfold I had no idea what it was, totally confused, maybe because I hadn’t used it before, probably because I’m kind of an idiot at play time. Anyway the addition makes my other senses perk up and I try to listen up for clues of what you’re up to. More fuzzies and arousal.
I loved being led and stepping where you told me (had a thought of that TV show, Knightmare 🙂 ) Wondered if it was normal to be so shaky while blindfolded while being a bit scared about what was to come. When you tethered me I had a panic of ‘where are you going’ (?? I know) but liked the feel of the collar when I got to the edge of its reach. More of the same bondage feels when you tied up my hands (fuzzies, arousal) – although I was a bit worried I wouldn’t be able to hold that position for long. Which wasn’t a thing
Well, first thing is discovering that ’S’ remembers Knightmare! A definite point of cultural compatibility there… I have always enjoyed controlling and guiding someone who has had their sight temporarily taken (it’s a different task with someone who is blind or visually impaired, and not a kink thing at all then). There’s a heightened level of my own awareness of surroundings because I know that it’s on me to ensure they don’t hurt themselves on some obstacle.
The blindfold stayed on for a long time, and gave me room to stand and think if I wasn’t sure what to do next. I used a leather strap with clips at either end to tether her in a standing position while I fetched the rest of the toys through. In addition, I used some of her chains and clips to attach her arms to the tether point, with the aim of making her feel helpless (something I knew she wanted).
Every touch you gave me with the leather gloves was just amazing, I thought I’d cum without you going near my cunt. Super hot. But it’s embarrassing to be hot and squirming around like a bitch in heat, so I try to resist (which is why i sometimes hold my breath at stay more still). Never works for long though. Pretty shy now; and making me turn over didn’t help. I was a bit scared and the wait was pretty intense. I properly blushed when you put the plug in, was pretty humiliating (which is not awesome at the time but I love it really). I was also relieved it didn’t really hurt. After that it was all interesting because when you touched me or got on top of me or I moved I could feel it, and that turned me on, and that made me embarrassed, and everything just kinda escalated till I was super hot.
This was the point where her shivers, squirms, whimpers and display were at once intensely erotic and also possible to mistake for signs of distress. When we talked afterwards, ’S’ assured me that I can ignore everything unless she’s cursing, swearing (her safesignal is the ‘V’ sign!) or safewording. It will be obvious, in other words, if it’s bad.
As Jem’s post linked earlier describes, it’s easier to get someone close than to find the way to bring her over the line to orgasm. I try to set realistic goals and even if I did have a lot of useful hints from ’S’ before we met, to know that I found so many good things was still very reassuring. We spoke by IM later about how I might bring her to orgasm myself and she says that she finds it very hard with another person there. I also have struggled with that so I can relate, but all the same I am hopeful for another time!
The plug was a gold princess plug from SexToys.co.uk that I got during one of their special offer/sale deals. I had a little bit of trouble getting the lube out of the bottle, as it had one of those foil seals and the tab tore off! So I had to find a pair of scissors to puncture it. I used a latex-free surgical glove to tease ’S’s anus open and smear some lube in her hole, before lubing up the plug and firmly sliding it into her bottom. I love all kinds of anal play as both top and bottom, and there is a very satisfying feeling when a plug reaches its widest point and then sinks into place – both when I’m pushing into my partner’s bottom, or when I feel it happen in my own… Since I have plenty of anal toys already, and the plug didn’t cost me much, I gave it to ’S’ to keep (and, as she noted afterwards, it’s not a type of toy you’d share! I actually saved it for ’S’ since I bought it just before we started talking and hadn’t used it ever).
I am not so confident with the hand jobs and having my hands tied made it more difficult (I think) so when you gave me your cock I got a ‘break’ from the other feelings just trying to make you feel good. I prefer (and really enjoy) using my mouth (I would not have been able to mention it at that point otherwise i think!).
I like feeling bound hands feeling and fondling my cock. I like being able to rub and grind and thrust against them and know that my partner knows what it is they can feel, how intimate a body part it is, and that ultimately it is my control (as the Dom) involved, not theirs. The combination of blindfold and hands-behind-the-back is also potent for me, because of the surprise element that might be involved. One of the hottest moments of actual feedback was when I asked ’S’ if she knew what it was and she replied. I wasn’t sure which word for the organ she was going to use, but hearing her say, “Your cock!” was a great feeling.
To end the scene, I presented her with her clothes back while she recovered on the bed:
I think ‘coming around’ will get easier if we play more – but it felt pretty intense for me (it’s been years since I played). I’m not sure how to describe the transition but it’s basically finding the mindset of being a human who’s in control after feeling less than human that’s not.
I’d jokingly suggested earlier the method of indicating that it was over was like the house elves in Harry Potter – so the words of release are officially “Dobby is a free elf!” As a way of helping make that shift, for both of us, the joke and humour finds the right note of “not serious”.
* * *
Every encounter is a learning experience, one way or another. Yesterday’s “first time” was intense, nerve-wracking, and hot. The feedback that ’S’ was able to give me, quoted almost entirely above, gives me a better idea of what worked and why, and how. People often talk in D/s about a Dom guiding a Sub, and yesterday I did so literally and figuratively through the scene. But in my experience, a Sub also provides guidance to any Dom who wants to play with them.
Just because I have new information today that I didn’t have before playing with ’S’, doesn’t mean that next time I will be perfect, either. Each new encounter is a learning experience, and will help me be a better Dom.